Unfinished

Two months ago, I signed up to do an online Bible study by Proverbs 31 called, 'She's Still There.' At a time when I have really been experiencing a lot of stress, wondering if that happy go lucky girl was still inside this busy body; this study couldn't have come at a better time.

In my 30s, I've started to experience a lot of anxiety, especially recently. This year I started my own business, I took on some leadership roles that are amazing opportunities but have left me feeling alone at times, my husband and I have continued to farm another year even through this rough farm economy, my in-laws have separated and there's the constant pressure from family, friends and society to start having children when that's never been something I've wanted. I began questioning my purpose and direction. I found myself constantly getting caught up in the what if. 

I instantly ordered the study's foundation book, She's Still There: Rescuing the Girl in You and joined a small accountability group with a friend and her friend. I counted down the days until the study began. I could. not. WAIT.

On the first day of the study, I got up at 5, made my coffee and felt like a kid on Christmas. I printed off my study guides, watched the videos and got through the first chapter of the book; nodding my head over every word and marking it up with highlights, notes and filling out all the reflection options. I felt like a champion. I felt refreshed. I felt inspired. I was a new woman [for a day]. I was really looking forward to diving even deeper into the study.

The next morning, I dove into Chapter 2 and the new lessons. I made some more notes and continued to enjoy myself. By the time the third day rolled around, I saw that I needed to get through a few more chapters. We were getting ready to go to Gatlinburg, Tennessee for a weekend get away with some friends so I saved the rest of that week's study to do before everyone else got up, overlooking the mountains on our cabin's front porch. Long story short, our cabin's front porch was little to be desired as well as the rest of the cabin. I was very stressed about the false advertisement and very unhappy for someone who was on vacation. I used our unideal situation as an excuse to not crack open my study like I had planned.



When we got back from our vacation, I was behind on the Bible Study already. I forced myself to crack open the book the following weekend and work on a few homework items. However, I wasn't getting anything out of it like I did the first day. I felt like I was in 4th grade trying to muddle through my algebra homework when really all I wanted to do was go outside and play in the barn.

The Bible study, a stress-relieving program I was really looking forward to doing, quickly became a stressor in my life. The actual study itself was not a stressor. The fact that I was not doing it hung over my head constantly. I kept counting down the weeks until it was over with and I could no longer worry about the pressure of not completing it.

Last Friday, the study ended. The recap email came in and I felt instantly relieved to not having this study hanging over my head anymore. Then, out of nowhere, early this morning, an email from Proverbs 31 shows up and the subject line reads, 'The Rescue Isn't Over {Free Gift for You}.'  My heart started pounding. I thought, "Oh no. They're onto me. They know I didn't finish the study and they're sending me more things to not finish."

Scared, I almost deleted the email. However, a voice inside my head told me to open it. So I did. Inside was a Spotify Playlist. The playlist was made up of uplifting, positive music catered towards the things we were suppose to learn in the study if we completed it.

I ventured downstairs to make my coffee for the morning. It's been one of those weeks so I was saving the playlist for motivation in my office later this morning. I sat my phone down on the counter and decided to start the list as I boiled some water. As the first song came on, I wandered upstairs, swaying to the music and made my bed. I ventured into the laundry room to throw some clothes in the dryer. That's when a song called, Unfinished by Mandisa came on. I instantly perked up and started dancing around the kitchen as I started my breakfast of eggs and some fresh berries; feeling extremely inspired, warm and full of hope.

But I picked myself back up
And I started telling me
No, my God's not done
Making me a masterpiece
He's still working on me
He started something good and I'm gonna believe it
He started something good and He's gonna complete it
So I'll celebrate the truth
His work in me ain't through
I'm just unfinished
I'm just unfinished
So I'll celebrate the truth
His work in me ain't through
I'm just unfinished

*Que the music* You see, it wasn't the upbeat, fun melody of the song that had me jiving along. It was the lyrics. The very first chapter of the study and the theme for the first week was, 'You are an [unfinished] Masterpiece' taken from the verse Ephesians 2:10. Even though I never completed the study, I still thought about what I learned in the first Chapter on a daily basis. I found myself referring back to that verse whenever I was questioning my purpose which seems to be daily these days. I would chant, "You are an unfinished Masterpiece," when I would feel anxiety settling in and it would feel instant relief.

Hearing that song this morning helped me realize that maybe this Bible study was meant to be left unfinished. I'd like to use this unfinished study as a symbolic gesture in my life versus one more thing I started but didn't finish. Maybe the only take away I needed at the time was knowing that I am an unfinished masterpiece; that my purpose is to be here now; to be satisfied with now. There's no need to worry about tomorrow. Enjoy TODAY.

We aren't going to wake up tomorrow and solve all of our own plus the world's problems. Finding comfort in being unfinished is all we need; knowing we will never be finished until He's ready.